Dear Draco Part 1
by AmethystRoseMalfoy
Summary: Hermione is trying to let go and say goodbye. Disclaimer: All things Harry Potter belong to JK Rowling, who is not me.


Dear Draco,

I am hoping it will be easier to put on paper all the things I want to say to you. If I see you face to face, I really do not think I would be able to get the words out. So here goes...I am in love with you. I think I have always loved you, and I believe I always will. I know this probably is not what you want to hear. Because while I know you love me, I do not believe you are in love with me. There are times when wonder if you are capable of falling in love with anyone.

I am sorry for the things I said the last time we spoke. You were right though, I have used you in the past. I would come to you to help me forget. I used you to push away my problems. And I am sorry for that. I did not realize until you pointed it out to me. And I am sorry that I hurt you that way. I would like to be able to say it was not intentional, but after thinking about it, I am not sure. Maybe unconsciously, I was trying to hurt you the way you hurt me. After all, you broke my heart even if you didn't mean to.

You didn't know that, did you?

First, we were friends. Our last year at Hogwarts, we learned to put the animosity behind us and learned we were more alike than either of us ever thought. I enjoyed our friendship. Traveling across France with you after we graduated was the best summer of my life. I never wanted it to end. But real life called us back to Britain. Jobs, family, our other friends. I thought our living together would help us keep our friendship going. I did not think that would actually be the beginning of the end of us.

When we first started sharing a flat in London, it was just the two of us. We were sharing a one bedroom flat, and for the first six months neither of us were dating anyone else. Then suddenly, everything changed. You started staying out late, coming home smelling like cheap perfume. Sometimes with love bites all over you. You would turn up at two or three in the morning, crawling into bed with me still smelling like the tramp whose bed you crawled out of an hour earlier. How did you expect me to feel about that?

I know we never talked about being exclusive. We never really talked about our relationship at all. I know there was a time when we were just friends who had sex occasionally. And neither of us actually said we wanted more than that. But after six months of just us, it felt like we were in a real relationship. I guess that was just me making assumptions. Maybe I did not have a reason to feel hurt by your behavior, but every time I woke up next to you and saw love bites on your neck or scratches on your back, I died a little more inside. There were mornings I woke up with your arms around me, and I would feel so content. And then I would turn to you only to have you call me by someone else's name. Those were the morning's you found me in the bathroom in tears.

Even though, you only saw us as roommates, my heart felt it was more than that. I wanted you to want me exclusively. I wanted there to be an us. But you only wanted to know what else was out there. You always seemed to be looking for someone else, someone better or someone different, I guess. It broke my heart watching you hop from bed to bed. It seemed as though you were with a different girl every night. Then every morning I would wake up to you next to me knowing you had spent the night before screwing someone else. Knowing you did not want me.

You already know what the final straw was. But do you know how much it hurt me when I came home that night to find you naked with that slut bent over my kitchen table? You didn't even seem to care. Was she the only one you brought home? Or were there others I just didn't know about? I could not stay there after that. It was obvious to me that our relationship, whatever it was, was just not working any longer.

I think that was the reason I ended up married to Adrian. I loved you, but you were never going to love me. And I really, really just wanted someone to love me. When Adrian asked me out, I was so lonely and so angry with you, I said yes without thinking about it. He was very sweet and attentive, and he wanted me. He was so different from what I was used to. It was very easy to get caught up in the excitement and newness of our relationship. When he proposed, I was so happy to know someone loved me, wanted me, that I said yes immediately. He had been on his best behavior those months we dated. Almost immediately after the wedding though he dropped the good guy act.

He was so controlling. Possessive. He had to know where I was going, why I was going out, who I was seeing, when would I be home. By the end, he did not even want me to go the market alone. He wanted me to wait until he was available to go with me. He was jealous of the time I spent with my friends, even my female friends. He did not want me doing anything that did not include him. When he told me he was not sure he wanted children because he did not want to share his wife, I knew it was time to get out. So I packed up the next morning after he left for the Ministry and I came to see you. And, well, you know how that turned out.

I only wanted to talk to you that day. I wanted someone to tell me I had done the right thing. I just wanted reassurance. For once, I wasn't looking for you to help me forget. This time I was just hoping for friendship. What I got was naked Draco in the armchair in front of the fireplace with an equally naked witch bouncing on your cock. I see things haven't changed much in your life.

Anyway, I just wanted to apologize for everything and say goodbye. I used you and hurt your feelings. I barged into your flat uninvited. It seems no matter my intentions I just keep getting everything wrong with you. So I am going to leave London and return to France. I have always loved it there. I have accepted a position as liaison between the Ministry of Magic and the French Ministry, starting the first of the month.

I wish you well, Draco. I hope you find whatever it is you are searching for. I am no longer sure what I am looking for, other than peace of mind. Maybe I will find it in Paris. I just want you to be happy. Maybe with time we will both be able to forgive the hurt we caused each other and remember our time together fondly.

With all my love,

Hermione


End file.
